If Only....

Have you ever thought to yourself "If only...." 

You may have then followed it up with some of the following things...

•  I didn't eat that candy bar...
• I didn't cheat on that test....
• I didn't lie to....
• I didn't steal....
• I was more honest with/about..
• I had the opportunity to..  

I have spent a lot of time in the presence of the Lord, praying, listening, asking, questioning. It has caused me to grow, and know him more intimately. As a friend and most importantly a father. His love is unbelievable and completely undescribable. 

Which brings me to if only....and I'll share mine with you.

•  We had read the word together...
• Gone to church together more...
• Learned together...
• Prayed together more...
• Listened deeper...
• Worked harder...
• If I realized God's love sooner...
• Saw where he was coming from faster..

Would we still be where we are right now? Very possible. This time away from one another has allowed me to grow, not only myself, but spiritually. Learning who the Lord is and growing in a deep, intimate relationship with him. I'm so thankful that things with Josh and I ended the way they did. However, I wonder "if only." Even though things happen for a reason.

There is no blame in the way our relationship ended. We both played a role. But the one thing I do know is that I, myself, personally, lost my mind. I wasn't thinking clear, I was listening to the Devil. And that I regret more than anything. 

Josh was....WAIT!!...not was IS my Angel. I don't hate him, I'm not angry with him. I love him as deep as love can get. He did something for me that no one else ever has. He cherished me, he loved me, and he showed me how God loves. 

People say that the right person makes you want to be a better person, changes you...and although Josh might not be my one and only, the one that God sent to me for always. I do know, that God did send me Josh, to love me, cherish me, show me things from a different perspective and give me the greatest gift anyone could...Jesus. For this I owe him the world.

It brings me to tears to type this. As the one person I would love to share this new world with, is no longer speaking to me. He may never know how much he did for me. What he gave me. And just how much he helped change me.

I have no idea what God's plan/will for me is. But I know whatever it is, its a good one. God has already shown me so much, so many things and I know he loves me unconditionally. And he's working on it. So its going to be something pretty amazing....

I love you Dear Lord for all that you've done in my life. My struggles, successes, heartbreak, pain and happiness. I pray that you send more angels to others out there to help them find what my Angel helped me find. And please take good care and watch over and take care of Josh, in everything the world hands him..Thank you!