Seven Years Away...

I struggled for seven and a half years with my relationship with God. Don't get me wrong, there was no question in my mind that he existed. I used to know him but because of a failed marriage I grew angry at him. And I hated him. I started the healing process after my divorce, and after I filed for my annulment. I remember saying to God "if you grant my annulment, I'll know you were listening all along, and you forgive me for all my wrong doing, my faults and my hate towards you." 


Little by little the hate faded, and grew into not understanding why he allowed this to happen. 


After all my turmoil, pondering, questioning I realized it wasn't God's fault. And I fell into sadness. Because I allowed myself to walk away from the one man that had always been there. 
 
In October of 2011 God sent me one of the greatest blessings he could have ever sent me. His name was Joshua. I could easily make up a fictitious name for him to hide his identity. But Why? I owe so much of where I am today to him. And one day I hope he understands exactly what he brought to my life that no one else did.


Josh was a breath of fresh air for me. He was completely different than any other man I had met. Not in appearance, but his overall person, inside and out. When I first looked into his eyes I knew that there was something amazing that was going to happen. 


Josh, like myself had a past. One that many told me to stay away from, not to even think about, or think long and hard about because of x,y,z. But even with the hesitation and opinions of others, I just didn't care. I knew in the depths of my soul that there was something bigger going on.


Josh had such a wonderful outlook on God, the bible, life, where he was and where he was going. He had a personal relationship with God and I was jealous. So very Jealous.


Time went on and I began to want to have the same relationship with God. I knew that to have the type of relationship God intended and what Josh wanted I had to do something. But what?


Our beliefs were slightly different. But God is God none the less. I asked him to seek his pastors help in finding me a retreat. Long story short, after meeting with the pastor's wife and Josh being told they were afraid I wasn't going to be saved. I grew anger again. 


Through arguments, hostility (brought on because of me) we stopped talking about God. Sure we'd go to church together but other than that we never really discussed God. 


But on my own I knew that to be in a God blessed relationship I had to seek God to find Josh. And so my journey began...


May fifth I attended a seminar by Matthew Kelly and he opened my eyes, my mind and my heart WIDE open. And one of the things Matthew said was. "Have you read the bible?" Of course my answer was "No!!" Thinking to myself, "Do you have any idea how big and complicated that book is" Matthew went on to say envision yourself after you die standing at the gates of Heaven, God asks you "Did you read my book." 


That statement alone spoke VOLUMES to me. I kept thinking, "Wow, really? Having God ask me a point blank question as simple as "Did you read my book?" What would you say to that? You can't lie to God...he's all knowing, all loving...He died for me...


I went home that day and realized I needed to find God NOW, I needed to create a relationship with him, not just a "Hey God its me!" But a real, deep relationship with him. 

I picked up the Bible and I began reading......