God, your Frustrating....

I haven't written in awhile due to my frustrations with God. And frustrations is just simply the word. God and I seem to have a closer relationship now where I argue with him. And he always has the opportunity to say "I get it, But I'm right!!" 

When I began "attempting" (and I mean attempting) to surrender everything to God I fought with myself, the thoughts in my head, the things God would tell me and specially the things he'd show me. Because here I live in reality, the real world. Where life isn't always chocolates and roses. Where even though 1+1=2....God says 1+1=3. Your logic and mine says "um no, God, I'm sorry your wrong."

Now I'm not saying God spoke to me and said 1+1=3. (don't even try telling that one to your teachers) Because I have to believe that even he finds that ridiculous. And I'm positive he doesn't care what X and Y are. Or at what point train A will collide with train B. 

I'm simply trying to make a point that God sees our journeys from every angle. The BIG picture. And sometimes we tend to see things as a narrow path in front of us. On my own journey I've been told so many things and shown a lot, that a lot of times I walk away from my conversations with God, feeling as though even though my reality is mine. God controls it. And even though we say and do certain things. God's up their saying "um yeah, check that equation again. This time show your work."

I constantly get reminders that I have to check myself. When I'm ready to throw my hands in the air and say "I'VE HAD IT!!" Or most recently "I love you, I hear you, I trust you, but I really don't want to listen to your right now. Your frustrating me."

Yes, you read it. God is FRUSTRATING me right now. And if I could I'd make him sleep in the dog house. However, I know better than that. He's going to laugh at me, shake his head and wait for me to get it. 

 

 

 

 

Almost Had It!

I've almost had it with what I call my life. Not that I'm thinking anything stupid. Just thinking that maybe its time for a complete overhaul of everything. What I own, what I buy and the people in my life. I'm finding lately that its easier to be alone with myself and my thoughts than be around people. Why? Because everything seems to suffocate me. Or wants to get in the way of my walk with God. And I just got him back in my life. Its hard enough right now to surrender and put all my faith, trust and hope in him for what his will for my life is. 

Almost everyday I'm met with someone, something that tries to steer me away from my prayers, thoughts and what he has told me. And I couldn't be more frustrated.

As if I don't already have my own questioning, my own wonders and my own issues with knowing I'm hearing God or not. 

I know that not everyone believes in God, I know there are many that struggle and wonder what has he ever done for me. But honestly, why when someone finds peace, and feels that he's really talking to them do they have to be so judgmental, rude and treat you as if you belong in a padded room?

People find God in all different walks of life, and that's when you need him the most. Right now, the Lord is really all I've got to get me through. Because if God is for me? Who can be against me?

In the bible Matthew 10:39 says Whoever finds their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life for my sake will find it. Talks about giving up your life, not in the literally sense. But getting rid of the life you have and committing it to God. Depending, trusting and having faith in him. 

I'm realizing that this walk, relationship with God is a lot more than I bargained for. However the first time he spoke to me he stated Romans 2:6 God “will repay each person according to what they have done.” And in so many of the other scriptures he's used to talk to me. 

It might be frustrating, I might feel as if I'm walking in hell, but I know, without a shadow of a doubt he's walking with me, protecting me, speaking to me and it gives me great peace. Its all the outside nose, irritations and everything else that break me down.

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Dear Lord, I love you so much. And I thank you for this journey, I thank you for all the things you've done and all the things you've shown and told me. Please continue to guide me, mold me, and lead me to where you want me to be. Keep the evil away from me, I want nothing to do with it. I don't want to question you. And I'm sorry when I do. For all the outside stuff has away of disguising itself as you. When its you I know, I feel it in every inch of my body. Please continue your work in me. And help me to be as strong as you intended me to be. And help surround me with people who walk the same walk, that know you are the Greatest being in the world and above. I have you, but I feel so lost right now. Bring me those that understand and don't find me crazy. In your name I pray!

If Only....

Have you ever thought to yourself "If only...." 

You may have then followed it up with some of the following things...

•  I didn't eat that candy bar...
• I didn't cheat on that test....
• I didn't lie to....
• I didn't steal....
• I was more honest with/about..
• I had the opportunity to..  

I have spent a lot of time in the presence of the Lord, praying, listening, asking, questioning. It has caused me to grow, and know him more intimately. As a friend and most importantly a father. His love is unbelievable and completely undescribable. 

Which brings me to if only....and I'll share mine with you.

•  We had read the word together...
• Gone to church together more...
• Learned together...
• Prayed together more...
• Listened deeper...
• Worked harder...
• If I realized God's love sooner...
• Saw where he was coming from faster..

Would we still be where we are right now? Very possible. This time away from one another has allowed me to grow, not only myself, but spiritually. Learning who the Lord is and growing in a deep, intimate relationship with him. I'm so thankful that things with Josh and I ended the way they did. However, I wonder "if only." Even though things happen for a reason.

There is no blame in the way our relationship ended. We both played a role. But the one thing I do know is that I, myself, personally, lost my mind. I wasn't thinking clear, I was listening to the Devil. And that I regret more than anything. 

Josh was....WAIT!!...not was IS my Angel. I don't hate him, I'm not angry with him. I love him as deep as love can get. He did something for me that no one else ever has. He cherished me, he loved me, and he showed me how God loves. 

People say that the right person makes you want to be a better person, changes you...and although Josh might not be my one and only, the one that God sent to me for always. I do know, that God did send me Josh, to love me, cherish me, show me things from a different perspective and give me the greatest gift anyone could...Jesus. For this I owe him the world.

It brings me to tears to type this. As the one person I would love to share this new world with, is no longer speaking to me. He may never know how much he did for me. What he gave me. And just how much he helped change me.

I have no idea what God's plan/will for me is. But I know whatever it is, its a good one. God has already shown me so much, so many things and I know he loves me unconditionally. And he's working on it. So its going to be something pretty amazing....

I love you Dear Lord for all that you've done in my life. My struggles, successes, heartbreak, pain and happiness. I pray that you send more angels to others out there to help them find what my Angel helped me find. And please take good care and watch over and take care of Josh, in everything the world hands him..Thank you!

What Does HE WANT FROM ME!

After being scolded the other day by God himself I couldn't help but wonder "What does he want from me?" I mean he petty much told me:

 "Why don't you understand what I'm saying?"

 "I speak the truth and you don't believe me"

So I went back to his chapel to tell him. I'm sorry, this journey is all so new to me, and I feel as if EVEN THOUGH I HAVE YOU, I'm walking this alone. I feel like I have no one to share these things you teach me, tell me, as they all think I'm crazy, losing my mind or going insane.  I know that you see the bigger picture and your working on whatever it is that you  have planned for my life. But right now, the way things seem all I have is hope, faith and trust in you. I'm blessed by the things you tell me, the information you've given me on recent events in my life. But I've never done this before, I'm struggling with surrendering it all to you. Even though you told me "you've got this"  

When God says I sent him to lead you. He's your gift. Backed with scripture and everything else. But when you look at all events and all things right now, it doesn't make sense in earthly world. Its tough to be patient and let God take its course. 

I was filled with frustration which lead me to Joshua 8:

 Then the Lord said to Joshua, “Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. 

Discouraged..Perfect word for how I am feeling. I'm currently reading Surrender The life-changing power of doing God's will Its an amazing read on how to give it all to God, have strength, faith, trust all the things that are "DUH" put into a book. I can't put it down. I suggest anyone having struggles with surrendering and giving it to God to read it. 

So back to What does he want from me? I went to church this morning and normally I sit on the right side of the church. For whatever reason I decided to try the other side. I sat down, feeling discouraged, wondering about a lot of things. Knowing that I just had to trust. Suddenly a family sat two rows ahead of me.  Mother, Father and their adult kids. I recognized them. One of the boys was in my Sunday school class many years ago. I sat staring at the back of his head thinking how proud I was to see him sitting in church, with his family, wearing a shirt about the apostle Paul and just feeling like I had a piece in this, God allowed me a piece of his spiritual growth and even though when I taught him he was 3 or 4 years old. Here he is a young man in church.

It hit me. God wants me to teach. He's always wanted me to teach. I taught for 10 years when I was in middle school and high school. I went to college to be a teacher, but that never paned out. But here, in front of me one of my little ones, I'm suppose to teach more of his children. AMEN!!!

But it didn't stop there. The readings went on, the Priest said his sermon and more answers came "it isn't about how we feel something is or think something is its the way it is for now. Trust God and all he tells you, seek it shall be opened, knock and you will find. Walk by faith" 

 

 

 

What? Did God just scold me? Am I in time out?

People always make excuses for why they can't do things, why they can't make time for things. I am one of those people. I know that I should exercise, workout, make it a daily routine. However I don't, because I don't have time. Funny thing is, I have time for friends, family or whatever comes up on a whim.

But I've realized that you can make time for anything that is important to you. I stress important to you. It doesn't matter if its the gym, the movies, the bar or what have you. If its important you make time. 

Today makes five days in a row, yes five days in a row that I've gone to God's chapel to sit with him. And it amazes me how quickly its become one of the most important things that I do. I go for different reasons, to pray for those I don't really care for in life, pray for the sick, the needy, myself, my family..whatever the reason it feels like home. 

I went today to find out if I'm listening right. I've had so many thoughts about life, what to do, where to go, am I doing what he wants and am I really listening to him. I asked him question after question and got what I thought was his response, answers and guidance. After all, I'm sitting in his chapel, It can't be anyone else but him. 

My sister mentioned to me a couple weeks ago, make sure that its not the devil feeding you these thoughts. I started thinking I'm in God's chapel....How in the would can the devil enter HIS CHAPEL!! Sure the devil is the king of trickery, disguises and everything that's NOT of God.  But could he? Can he? Is he that demonic? 

I pondered this.

God, is it possible for the devil to be feeding me answers, thoughts etc, pretending to be you? I don't think so, I don't feel in my heart that these are wrong or of evil nature?

Now its funny, when your talking to God and you sorta feel a frustration. And John 8, I picked up my nook, turned to John 8 and started reading. At first I thought "what does this have to do with my question of is this him or not" but I continued reading. 

I got to verse 42, it started to sink in..

⁴² Jesus replied, “If God were your Father, you would love me, for I came from God. Here I am. I haven’t come on my own. God sent me. ⁴³ Why don’t you understand what I’m saying? It’s because you can’t really hear my words. ⁴⁴ Your father is the devil. You are his children, and you want to do what your father wants. He was a murderer from the beginning. He has never stood for the truth, because there’s no truth in him. Whenever that liar speaks, he speaks according to his own nature, because he’s a liar and the father of liars. ⁴⁵ Because I speak the truth, you don’t believe me. ⁴⁶ Who among you can show I’m guilty of sin? Since I speak the truth, why don’t you believe me? ⁴⁷ God’s children listen to God’s words. You don’t listen to me because you aren’t God’s children.”

I never felt so STONE COLD BUSTED IN MY LIFE! I literally looked around thinking "God might put me in the time out chair." I sat there trying to come up with something to say, talk my way out of it, but the funny yet awesome thing is you can't lie to God, you can't talk your way out of something. All you can do is say your right, I'm wrong and promise to work on it. 

I prayed a little longer, gathered my things and began walking to my car. I started to laugh, not for any real reason other than God totally scolded me, he's 100% correct. And no matter what disagreement I have with him, he'll always be right. 

The take away lesson in this, when God speaks, you listen, when he tells you something, he's right, don't question. If it puts you at peace, with no tightness in your chest or a guilty feeling in your soul, its God. Don't question. Or he just might put you in time out.

Adoration Chapel - God and Me time

This prayer inspired me to write this blog:

Heavenly Father,

Increase our faith in the 

Real Presence of your son,

Jesus Chris,

In the Holy Eucharist.

Send forth the power of the Holy Spirit

Upon all people to give them 

The love, courage, strength

And willingness to respond

to the invitation to 

Perpetual Eucharistic Adoration

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St. Rapheal's Catholic Church was the church I grew up in. I was baptized, had my first communion, and confirmation their. The church itself no longer feels like home as I've moved onto a more modern Catholic church. But the one thing that remains that keeps calling me back their is the Adoration Chapel.

Sure, I go to church on Sunday, and pay my visit, hear the word of God and receive him body and blood every weekend. But going to God's Chapel, there are hardly words for how fulling it is to spend time with him all the other days of the week. To find peace anytime that I need it, or to just feel him where I'm not distracted by televisions, computers, phones and anything else that gets in the way of quality time with our maker.

I started going to the Adoration Chapel about 2 months ago. A Tuesday here, a Thursday there, one week nothing...Until I realized I needed this time and he was calling me to come hang out with him. Now its at least once a week, every week. But lately its been a lot more than that. 

Sometimes I know why I'm going, other times I have no idea but something says you should come over.  I listen, drive to the chapel, park my car, gather my thoughts and walk the pathway to the door. Its kind of a heavy door, but I always feel a sense of "going home." As if there is always a huge hug waiting for me.

In the entrance are bibles, books, rosary's, prayer cards almost anything you can think of to help you pray and spend your time with God. I always make sure I sign in to the book, Just in case God has a moment where he may have forgotten I came. 

There is also a book of intentions. Where you can list whatever you want prayed for by everyone who comes to hang out with God. I put my special requests in the book, just in case he's too busy at that particular time to hear me. But I know he always hears me eventually.

Finally,  you walk a couple feet and there's the entry way to his chapel. I would say their are 5 rows of chairs and kneelers.There is always at least one other person in the Chapel so God is never alone. The presence that I feel overwhelms me at times. And even though that other person is there, I always feel like it's me and God hanging out, no one else.

Now I'm proud to say that I'm a Catholic Christian. And share all that I can about what I've learned on my short journey thus far. That's why I'm writing this particular blog, as I know there are other Christians out their that either have no idea what I'm talking about, or have an idea and find it to be "just a Catholic thing" 

But as Christians, we all worship the same God...Right? The answer is HECK YES WE DO!! Our only difference is the "details" of our services and the "technicalities" of our beliefs. So really, at the end of the day We are loving, worshiping and adoring the same God the one who died and rose for our sins. So in my honest, humble opinion, its not "JUST a Catholic thing"

God's Chapel, or the term Adoration Chapel is a place a child of Christ can go anytime and be in the presence of the Holy Spirit. Without outside distractions, no one talking, just you and God.

I find it incredibly awesome that there is a place, where I can go, when other churches are locked and I can spend time with God.

I've rambled enough for this blog post, I just had to share this wonderful place, and if anyone is interested I'd be glad to join them and show them God's Chapel. 

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For those needing/wanting more information click on this: Adoration Chapel It will give you information on when it opened, what it is, and scripture reference for why.

Don't understand..random thoughts..

I began seeking God for the man I fell completely in love with. It started for him, and has developed into this amazing journey all my own. And I’m so blessed for having had Josh bring me back to God, the God that I was away from for seven years.

Just like anything in life, your on an amazing path and something for no good reason gets in your head, evil toys with your thoughts and you lash out without reason. Once this happens you can’t take it back. Its done and all you can do is cross your fingers and hope for a second chance, forgiveness for a mistake. And hope to move on and mend bridges.

We were together for seven wonderful months. And because of a few bumpy patches we turned away from one another and as I tried to seek him, he shut me out. I never got to share with him  my journey. Due to miscommunication, hurtful words and hurtful actions, I lashed out, he turned away.

I never realized that loving someone unconditionally, without question, giving nothing but love, support and a shoulder to lean on, attending church together and having a relationship that many almost dream of can be turned off like a light switch. Like it never happened, didn’t exist. Left to think it was all only a dream. 

Never in my wildest dreams had I thought caring for someone could turn out this way. Never did I think asking someone to go pray with me would turn into a horrible thing. God works in interesting ways. And I appreciate, I surrender and I allow God’s will to be done.

But what I don’t understand, and I may never understand, is they say what God brings together let no man put asunder….or those that pray together stay together. We may have never actually prayed together but I prayed for him, us and our forever every time we were together while cuddling on the couch, holding hands in the car…any quiet chance I got..and I still pray for him.

Again!?!?

I've been struggling with leaving my church and following the man that I love. So much these days. I've been researching, studying, questioning, asking for guidance. And yesterday (the same day God told me about Romans 2:6) Another verse came to me. This time it was 1 Thessalonians 5. 

I got to my desk and I went to: 
 http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+Thessalonians+1&version=NIV  

It reads....
 

 Paul, Silas and Timothy, To the church of the Thessalonians in God the Father and the Lord Jesus Christ: Grace and peace to you.

² We always thank God for all of you and continually mention you in our prayers. ³ We remember before our God and Father your work produced by faith, your labor prompted by love, and your endurance inspired by hope in our Lord Jesus Christ.

⁴ For we know, brothers and sisters loved by God, that he has chosen you, ⁵ because our gospel came to you not simply with words but also with power, with the Holy Spirit and deep conviction. You know how we lived among you for your sake. ⁶ You became imitators of us and of the Lord, for you welcomed the message in the midst of severe suffering with the joy given by the Holy Spirit. ⁷ And so you became a model to all the believers in Macedonia and Achaia. ⁸ The Lord’s message rang out from you not only in Macedonia and Achaia—your faith in God has become known everywhere. Therefore we do not need to say anything about it, ⁹ for they themselves report what kind of reception you gave us. They tell how you turned to God from idols to serve the living and true God, ¹⁰ and to wait for his Son from heaven, whom he raised from the dead —Jesus, who rescues us from the coming wrath.

 I really, felt this one in my chest, my heart and all over. It struck home with me. 

These verses really got me thinking...

Verse 2..we thank God for all of you and continually mention you in our prayers.. 

Verse 6..you welcomed the message in the midst of severe suffering.....

Verse 8..your faith in God has become known everywhere 

Verse 9..how you turned to God from idols to serve the living and true God

I must have read this chapter at least six different times. Each time feeling more and more at home and at peace with God. He's listening, he's leading and I'm on the right path.

 

                    

Father Brad

Tonight was the best experience I've had talking with a Priest. Until today, I've never actually prayed one on one with one. It was remarkable. I felt the true presence of God in that room while we prayed together and talked.

Father Brad isn't like most priests I've ever encountered. He's crazy, funny, down to earth, rambles, tells jokes and just seemed to understood exactly where I was coming from. It was such a relief.

I discussed the situation with Josh's pastor and realized I was in a good place with it all now, and that it was time to forgive, explain and thank him for his role in my journey.

I even expressed to Father Brad that I felt in order to continue the relationship with the man I loved as God intended I might have to leave the Catholic Church. He immediately put me at ease stating that many couples have separate places of worship. That they find away to share the differences and respect one another for them. That all are welcomed and its ok. That God helps guide, mold and nurtures the relationship.

I began to cry. I was so relieved. I could now stop feeling and questioning why God brought this wonderful man into my life, to find him only to take Josh away from me because of small differences. I felt reassured that this was the right path for me. 

I was so excited to tell Josh of my visit. And that this could really work, all our insecurities and thoughts of not being together because of our churches wasn't an issue after all. I felt more than ever things were going to be fantastic

I left feeling free, joyous and that I was finally on the right path with God. And my life. That there was no questions anymore, God was leading this.

Father Brad told me that I was in a great spiritual place. I thanked him and left knowing that life was just as fantastic as I always thought it could be.

Silence really is golden.

Ever since going to the seminar that Matthew Kelly taught I've been reading bits and pieces of the bible. Loving every minute of it and realizing that its a rather interesting book. And realizing how important it is to sit in silence.

So today, like any other day I got up, got ready and drove my normal twenty miles to work. When I thought to myself "If I shut off the radio can I hear God"

And that's exactly what I did. I shut off the radio and began to have a conversation with God. As at this point in my life, relationship etc I had a lot of questions, frustrations and I needed to get it out. And who better to listen. 


As I drove I talked, listened then sat in quiet. Trying to let my mind not wander. When suddenly Romans 26 popped into my head. I was like "Really? It's that easy?" I said "Ok God, I'm almost to work, when I get to my desk I'll look it up and read what you have for me."

Now some of you might be thinking "How does she know it was God, and she didn't just make that up?" Easy answer, I haven't read the bible and I really only know of Genesis and the Gospels. So it HAD to be God.

I finally get to work, turn on my computer and type, "Romans 26." Google gives me all these links, but not Romans 26. So I then Google how many chapters in Romans? Google tells me 16...


I look up towards the ceiling, start laughing saying "Funny God, real funny! I'm a bible rookie and you decide to tease me right out of the gates!" 

Finally I realize he meant Romans 2:6 which reads "God “will repay each person according to what they have done.”

I didn't really know what to think of that. Except that, that had to have been the coolest thing ever.




 

Seven Years Away...

I struggled for seven and a half years with my relationship with God. Don't get me wrong, there was no question in my mind that he existed. I used to know him but because of a failed marriage I grew angry at him. And I hated him. I started the healing process after my divorce, and after I filed for my annulment. I remember saying to God "if you grant my annulment, I'll know you were listening all along, and you forgive me for all my wrong doing, my faults and my hate towards you." 


Little by little the hate faded, and grew into not understanding why he allowed this to happen. 


After all my turmoil, pondering, questioning I realized it wasn't God's fault. And I fell into sadness. Because I allowed myself to walk away from the one man that had always been there. 
 
In October of 2011 God sent me one of the greatest blessings he could have ever sent me. His name was Joshua. I could easily make up a fictitious name for him to hide his identity. But Why? I owe so much of where I am today to him. And one day I hope he understands exactly what he brought to my life that no one else did.


Josh was a breath of fresh air for me. He was completely different than any other man I had met. Not in appearance, but his overall person, inside and out. When I first looked into his eyes I knew that there was something amazing that was going to happen. 


Josh, like myself had a past. One that many told me to stay away from, not to even think about, or think long and hard about because of x,y,z. But even with the hesitation and opinions of others, I just didn't care. I knew in the depths of my soul that there was something bigger going on.


Josh had such a wonderful outlook on God, the bible, life, where he was and where he was going. He had a personal relationship with God and I was jealous. So very Jealous.


Time went on and I began to want to have the same relationship with God. I knew that to have the type of relationship God intended and what Josh wanted I had to do something. But what?


Our beliefs were slightly different. But God is God none the less. I asked him to seek his pastors help in finding me a retreat. Long story short, after meeting with the pastor's wife and Josh being told they were afraid I wasn't going to be saved. I grew anger again. 


Through arguments, hostility (brought on because of me) we stopped talking about God. Sure we'd go to church together but other than that we never really discussed God. 


But on my own I knew that to be in a God blessed relationship I had to seek God to find Josh. And so my journey began...


May fifth I attended a seminar by Matthew Kelly and he opened my eyes, my mind and my heart WIDE open. And one of the things Matthew said was. "Have you read the bible?" Of course my answer was "No!!" Thinking to myself, "Do you have any idea how big and complicated that book is" Matthew went on to say envision yourself after you die standing at the gates of Heaven, God asks you "Did you read my book." 


That statement alone spoke VOLUMES to me. I kept thinking, "Wow, really? Having God ask me a point blank question as simple as "Did you read my book?" What would you say to that? You can't lie to God...he's all knowing, all loving...He died for me...


I went home that day and realized I needed to find God NOW, I needed to create a relationship with him, not just a "Hey God its me!" But a real, deep relationship with him. 

I picked up the Bible and I began reading......