Overwhelming Feelings..

Today was an interesting one. I took my niece and nephew to the water park for their birthday present. While I was watching the two of them play together I scanned the park looking at all the parents with their children. It made me want to cry. I didn't.

The feeling was so completely overwhelming that I wasn't sure what to do other than feel jealous, envious, questioning, desire, want and many other feelings all wrapped into one.

I began thinking about my past, where I've been, where I've come. And no matter how much I wouldn't change it for the world. Their are so many parts I wish were different.

I'm starting to realize more and more that my life is changing and there is nothing I can do about it. Unintentionally I feel myself backing away from the things I've known in my life until this point. Not because I don't love and care about the people in my life. But more and more everyday I realize that I'm alone. I can't talk to anyone about the thoughts in my head. Because when I do they simply say "it'll happen for you when its the right time." "you'll find someone special it just takes time" or a number of other things. Do I know they are right...sometimes. But on the other hand I feel like just say nothing. Let me talk, write, speak and just say nothing.

My world is filled with beautiful woman, married to wonderful men who together created amazing children. I love them all deeply. But I can't help but be jealous of them. Specially when they complain about the normal "he didn't do the dishes" "he doesn't clean or change diapers" I listen because I get these things happen. But deep down I'm really thinking about how much I would give to trade lives with them for one week. I'd give anything to make dinner for someone, go to bed with someone and wake up next to them the next morning.

I love my friends, family and everyone in between. But sometimes I just don't feel they understand. I know that everyone has their own life's, their own paths and their own families. I totally get it. But it might be time for me to find my own path, my own life. Not deleting anyone by any means, but doing something to make me not feel so alone. Be able to go out and do things without having to gather logistics and make sure everyone is free. Its hard to not be able to just pick up the phone and say "I need you." When you know that they can't be their for you the way they once were.

And on a flip side....because of where I am in life I am there when they "need me." But again...different paths in the road.

God is my Lord and the keeper of my stars. I don't go to church like I should/want to. But a few months ago I put my life in his hands. Asked him to guide me and told him I trust whatever it is you have in store for me. I've gotten hints, ideas and lead in different ways. However, when I receive these signs I wonder is it God? Or is it the Devil? I only say the Devil, because what God sends me makes sense, but then it doesn't seem to pan out. I totally get the free will thing. But just once can something with my relationships go right? Something good happen? Believe me, I'm happy, Love my apartment, Love everything. Just want my forever.